The issue of loneliness came up in a recent thread by another member, so I wanted to address that topic briefly here. To some extent I think the issue of loneliness is not given the attention it deserves, as it seems to impact the decisions people make in relationships to a great extent. Then the questions becomes more obvious, that being, is staying married and miserable the right solution to avoid loneliness.
Thinking back to both of my divorces, even though I didn't realize it at the time, the potential of being lonely was affecting my decisions. At the time I merely recognized it as a desire to be with someone, possibly even staying married, but never thought of it as affecting the decisions that I made. I also never recognized it as something potentially harmful to me, something that was causing me to make irrational and wrong decisions. Looking back I realize it was harmful, and pointing me in the wrong direction.
I think people facing divorce can mostly mitigate the potential harmful effect of loneliness if they merely recognize it and take note of how it's impacting them in their decisions. Moving forward after that, to answer the question regarding solutions, you need to find an actual solution to the loneliness. I think fundamentally the solution for loneliness is not to be amongst company, but to find a way to be alone and not lonely. It's like a temporary fix, or merely a bandage, for a problem that needs working on. That does not mean you are resigning yourself to being alone, but that you are strengthening yourself so that you can be alone. At the same time, you free yourself from it's influence over you so you can objectively and logically make decisions about what is best for you.
That's a very short synopsis of what came to mind when the member here brought up the topic, so I hope that helps. If you have any further thoughts or questions please let me know and I'm happy to help however I can.
Susan, I think fundamentally it's about figuring out what really brings you happiness and fulfillment. Certainly that's easier said than done. It seems when you're in a relationship people tend to focus on the happiness and fulfillment of the other person rather than themselves, especially if that other person is demanding and selfish. Before long, you lose track of what's really important to you, having focused for so long on what the relationship and what the other person needed.
This also seems to become a compounding problem when a person jumps from relationship to relationship, or perhaps even marriage to marriage. They never really focus on themselves. Instead, their identity is that of a couple, and there are no individual or independent desires outside of what feeds that relationship.
Perhaps it may also help to relate what I did after my second marriage to really and truly find happiness and no longer struggle with loneliness.
At the time I had to really think about what I really wanted to do, and what would bring me happiness. As I said above, those things had been neglected for so long they had been forgotten. So I looked back across all my experiences and remembered all the times I was really and truly happy as an individual. For example, during my marriages the happiest times I could recall was when my wife was out of town. That may sound horrible, but it's indicative of how horrible the relationship was, although I didn't appreciate just how horrible at the time.
You may be assuming I went wild, visiting bars and nightclubs, but that didn't interest me at all. What I really enjoyed during those brief respites was to visit with friends for lunch or dinner to catch up, read a book or two, work on my hobbies such as woodworking, etc. What all those things had in common were that they were all things my wife made me give up. I was no longer allowed to have friends or do anything that took my time and attention away from her, or making money for her. There was a narrow window of things I was allowed to do, and having friends or doing anything just because I enjoyed it was not on the list.
Today I have great friendships with many people, have reconnected with friends my wives made me disconnect from, can travel when and where I want, and I can engage in my hobbies and other entertaining things. My business is doing great since I am allowed to spend time networking, something I was not allowed to do, surprisingly, since it would have yielded more business and income, which was something both my wives wanted. Altogether I am immensely happy and wouldn't have it any other way. I genuinely hope everyone can find the same, and if there is any way I can help to anyone reading this feel free to message me or post your questions here.
Divorced&Happy, thank you for addressing this important issue. My opinion is in line with yours, although it took me a while to figure it out, which is to deal with potential loneliness itself rather than mask it with the company of people. So far I'm just not sure what that exactly means and how I will accomplish it. Any ideas or suggestions?