Where do I begin to introduce myself or what I've been through in my marriage. Well, first I could say that I'm glad I was introduced to this forum by the founder Kevin and invited to make one of the first posts on it. As some of you may have also done, I have made posts seeking advice on a few other forum websites. Unfortunately, not only did I not receive any commentary that I would consider advice, much of it was rude, condescending, and blamed me for all the problems I stated. Hopefully I can get better advice here and find some other members to vent to.
I am not necessarily interested in professional advice of the therapist sort, because I've already been through that without results. To be perfectly honest, I'm trending more toward investigating divorce as an option and that's probably what I'll be asking people about for the most part. I suppose you could say I'm at the point of no return, and I see no hope in saving the marriage, barring some rather unlikely and unexpected turn of events. Altogether my sentiment largely reflects the title of this forum, stating that 'marriage sucks' and the general conclusion that marriage is miserable. I think that realization puts me at ease, as I know that it's not my failure as a wife, or a failure to find some elusive solution but, rather, that the concept of marriage is flawed at it's core. I know many would then point to real world examples of successful marriages to counter that point, but the conclusion that marriage is a failed concept cannot be refuted by rare examples. The vast majority of marriages fail, and of those that don't, many of those couples are likely miserable but unwilling to divorce for reasons of finances, children, or they're just afraid of the huge change.
I'm not sure how well any of that provides a good introduction of me, if it does at all, but I'll be writing much more in the other sections of this forum. If you have any words of wisdom be sure to let me know.
Thank you for your kind words, Divorced&Happy. Yes, I have started researching divorce, at least with regard to what it takes procedurally, such as looking at attorneys, how long it might take, etc. What I haven't gotten much feedback on is how to handle divorce emotionally, basically all the stuff aside from the legal process itself.
In particular I'm concerned about getting lonely. It's sort of part of my personality, where I tend to get lonely if I don't always have someone around. I know that's not a good reason to stay in a bad marriage, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that it affects my decisions. I probably would have already left otherwise. I suppose I understand that it's an issue, although not the only one, so I just need to find a way to deal with it somehow. Whether that's just keeping busy with work, friends, or maybe getting a dog, I don't know.
I don't want to just not be unhappy and lonely after the separation, but I want to make sure that I'm truly happy and having a better life. I also want to make sure I won't have any desire to return to him. Any ideas or advice on that?
Susan, I like your intro post. I agree with everything you said. I just joined the site and provided my introduction also, stating in part that I hope I can provide people some guidance in their divorce considerations. It sounds like that's what you're considering as your next best option, so feel free to ask any questions I may be able to answer for you.
With regard to your statement about counseling, I agree wholeheartedly that counseling can be a dead end. Perhaps not for everyone, and I suppose it's anecdotal, but I've never heard of counseling helping anyone. In fact, if anything it made many of the situations worse. But regardless, even considering that it could work and assuming that it does for some people, it always seemed like not a resolution of any problem, but a negotiation to get you to accept less happiness and generally give up hope and resign yourself to a miserable marriage. I didn't pick up on that myself at first, but eventually it became clear, and then I noticed the same when others would tell me about their counseling sessions. Again, I don't want to discount the possibility that counseling could work, perhaps for some people with some clearly defined problem, but I also agree that marriage is a flawed concept for modern society, something counseling cannot overcome.
Have you started researching divorce yet? You mentioned that was your next consideration.
Susan, thanks for visiting the site and making your introduction. It's my hope that this site will be more useful to you, and others, than the other sites you found disappointing. Like many struggles in life, struggles in a miserable marriage are something people have little empathy for if they haven't experienced similar struggles, and that's one of the reasons I started this site. If we as a community have shared and similar experiences, we can better relate to each other and help in a more meaningful way.
To your point about marriage as a flawed concept, I agree with you wholeheartedly and admit that the concept did influence the branding and purpose of this site. I'm glad you picked up on that. There is some nuance to that point and important distinctions to make, because I realize, as it seems you do, that marriage can work in some rare cases. I want to address that proactively because I know some people think marriage is great, and they may find their way to this forum.
I'll also add that marriage can also serve a legitimate purpose, such as raising children. But, as too many of us discovered, having children, while it definitely adds to your happiness, it cannot erase or counteract all of the unhappiness that a marriage can bring. I won't even get into the entire 'staying together for the kids' argument or considerations about having the kids witness an unhappy marriage and what it does to them. Those are extended discussions and we can discuss them another time.
Anyways, thanks again for your post. I look forward to hearing more from you.